INTRODUCTION

As we are beginning a new millenium, America finds itself with many problems, which must be addressed if we are going to continue to be a great nation. We have an energy shortage, a drug problem, racial unrest, a struggling economy, medical cost that are soaring, social security and medicare going broke and a corrupt political system. These are but a few of the many issues we must deal with in order to secure the country for our children and grandchildren.

There is another major issue that must be dealt with also. This is marriage. Marriage should be placed on the endangered species list, because it is slowly being replaces by the term "Cohabitation". According to the U.S. Census Bureau (2000 Census) there are 11 million people living with an unmarried partner. The number of unmarried couples living together increased 72% between 1990 and 2000 and tenfold from 1960 to 2000.

Marriage is God’s plan, not man’s invention, to insure an honorable society. When a nation rejects, the clear plan of God, there are many problems that will arise as a result. The church has a command from God and a moral obligation to our fellow man to proclaim and promote God’s plan of marriage.

^{With a divorce rate of 40% 1st time marriages, 60% 2nd time marriages, 75% 3rd time marriages, not just in the world, but also in the church, its time we look into God’s word and try to find some answers.}

^{In this study we want to look in the Bible in search of God’s view of marriage. We will also use resources from Professional Christian Marriage Counselors in order to try to find answers to the many problems that we are encountering.}

^{Regardless of how successful you think your marriage is, there is room for improvement. I challenge you to take part in this study with an open mind. To look seriously at your marriage and be honest enough to acknowledge weak areas and courageous enough to make the needed changes.}

UNIT 1

WHAT IS MARRIAGE

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.  Alan King

Marriage is when you agree to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a room that’s too warm, beside someone who’s sleeping in a room that’s too cold.

A man was crying over a grave stone saying, "Why did you die?" "Why did you die?" Another man questioned him; "Did your mother just die?" "No" "Your Father?" "No" He continues, "O, Why did you die?" "Well who died?" "This is my wife’s first husband."

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. (a life sentence)

I. GOD’S VIEW OF MARRIAGE

Marriage is a joke to many people. It is a source of material for comedians. But in God’s eyes, marriage is a very serious matter, not to be entered into lightly. The choosing of a companion with whom we are going to spend our lives, is the second most important decision (commitment) that we will make. The only decission that is more important in determining the quality of our life , is the decision to choose Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Saviour. Let's look in the Bible and see if we can discern what God's view of marriage is. 

^{A. Union}

^{Matt. 7:24-25 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended and the floods came, and the wind blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not; for it was founded upon a rock.}

^{• As we begin our study on marriage we will start with the foundation which is needed for a marriage to be successful. The key to a successful marriage is not how much you love each other, or how good a job you have, or how nice your in-laws are, or having a nice home, or how well behaved your children are.}

But the key to a successful marriage is that it is built upon the Solid Rock foundation of Jesus Christ. A marriage which does not put Jesus Christ in his proper place is shaky at best, and wide open for the destructive work of the devil (Jn. 10:10). God’s idea of marriage is not just the union of 2 people, but the union of 3.

Husband, wife and Jesus Christ.

Marriage Takes Three

I once thought marriage

Took just two to make a go

But now I am convinced

It takes the Lord also

And not one marriage fails

Where Christ is asked to enter

As lovers come together

With Jesus at the center

But marriage seldom thrives

And homes are incomplete

Till he is welcomed there

To help avoid defeat

In homes where Christ is first

It is obvious to see

Those unions really work

For marriage still takes three

B. Commitment

Rom. 7:2 For the woman which hath a husband is bound by law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of the husband.

I Cor. 7:10-11 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

• It is clear from the teachings of the Bible that God intends for marriage to be a lifetime commitment. Many people enter into marriage without really understanding what they are committing themselves to for the rest of their lives.

• Some say that marriage is a contract. But is this true? In every contract there are certain conditional clauses which require both parties to carry out their part of the bargain (if you do this the other person must do this). There are no conditional clauses in the marriage relationship and the marriage ceremony. The marriage ceremony vows do not state "If the husband loves his wife, then the wife continues in the contract". Or, "If the wife is submissive to her husband, then the husband carries out the contract".

• Then if marriage is not a contract, what is it? It is an unconditional commitment into which a man and woman enters for life. The word "commit" means to do or to perform. It is not based primarily on feelings. It is a binding pledge or promise. It is a total giving of one’s self to another person.

• Commitment is more than maintaining; it is more than continuing to stick it out with a poor choice of a spouse. Commitment is investing, working to make the relationship grow.

ILL. "Nothing but a scrap of paper" that’s what a marriage license is!"

This kind of extravagant statement is a symptom of the spirit of

our age, with increasing frequency. Marriage is being put down,

cast aside, and overturned. But wait a minute! Aren’t scraps of

paper important? Is it not one of the marks of civilized man that

they protect themselves against their savagery, by scraps of

paper? Sure, a wedding license is a scrap of paper, but so is an

employment contract, your paycheck, a $20.00 bill, the deed to

your home, and the Constitution of the United States.

C. Divorce

Matt. 19:7-8 AMP They said to him, why then did Moses command (us) to give a certificate of divorce and thus to dismiss and repudiate a wife? (Duet. 24: 1-4) He said to them, because of the hardness (stubbornness and perversity) of your hearts Moses permitted you to dismiss and repudiate and divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been so (ordained). 4

Mal. 2:16 AMP For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment (his wife) with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit (that it may be controlled by My Spirit), that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly (with your marriage mate).

• How can God express himself any clearer than in the above scriptures? Divorce is not a part of God’s plan. It is not now, nor will it ever be. Even when God allowed it in the Old Testament. It was not what he wanted. God’s plan that was ordained from the foundation of the world is 1 man and 1 woman living together, being committed to each other through out the duration of this natural life. Failure to follow this plan may result in us forfeiting some of God’s blessings.

2 Cor. 12:9 My grace is sufficient for thee.

• In spite of God’s strong view on divorce, we must acknowledge that divorce is a real part of the world we live in. Good people make bad decisions in life that sometimes result in divorce. Divorce does not make you a bad person. It does not mean you lose your salvation or that God no longer loves you and will cast you aside. The grace of God is sufficient for divorce. If we will acknowledge our sin and repent of it, God will use the bad experience to make us a better person (Jer. 18:1-3).

D. Divorce and Remarriage

Matt.19 8-9 He said unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery.

Rom. 7:2 For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.

1 Cor. 7:12-15 NLT Now I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a Christian man has a wife who is an unbeliever and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a Christian woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not have a godly influence, but now they are set apart for him. But if the husband or wife who isn't a Christian insist on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is not required to stay with them. God wants his children to live in peace.

• Even though God strongly opposes divorce, he does allow divorce and remarriage in certain situations. There are at least 3 scriptural reasons where divorce and or remarriage is acceptable.

1. Fornication- when a husband or wife is involved in adultery or other sexual perversions, divorce is allowed.

^{2. Death-A 2nd way remarriage is acceptable is when the death of a companion takes place. Death completes the vows you made. (1 Cor. 7:39)}

^{3. Unbeliever- when an unbeliever no longer wants to live with their Christian companion and request a divorce, then it is acceptable. (1 Cor. 7:12-15)}

^{• At this point I would like to express an opinion that can not be specifically backed up by scripture. Since this is only an opinion you may certainly disagree. It seems to me, considering the loving nature of God, that he would not demand that a person remain in a relationship where their life or the lives of their children are in danger.}

^{II. GOD’S PURPOSE FOR MARRIAGE}

^{• What does God’s word say about marriage? Gen.2:18-25 (RSV) teaches that marriage was God’s idea and that he had several divine purposes in mind.}

^{Gen.2:18-25 RSV Then the Lord God said, " It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." So out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air; and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and what ever the man called every living creature, that was it's name. The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept, took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the Lord}

^{God had taken from the man he made into woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said " This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man." Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed.}

^{A. Companionship}

^{• God also created marriage for companionship. Loneliness was the first thing God saw that was not good. Loneliness and isolation are contradictions to the purpose in God’s creation act. God made man to live with others and the first other was woman. When God said it wasn’t good for man to live alone (v18), he meant that in every way it wasn’t good.}

^{1. It wasn’t good physically; there was no partner}

^{2. It wasn’t good emotionally; there was no one to share with.}

^{3. It wasn’t good spiritually.}

^{B. Completeness}

^{• God also created marriage for completeness. The woman was to be "a helper fit for him" (v18). The woman assists man in making his life (and hers) complete. She fills up the empty places. In a marriage relationship the husband and wife are supposed to compliment each other. In other words a husband’s weakness is to overcome by his wife’s strengths and vice versa.}

^{C. Communication}

^{• The companionship and completeness God intended for marriage grew out of communication as two people share each day, the meaning of their lives. Satisfying companionship and a sense of completeness develop as husband and wife learn to communicate with openness and understanding.}

^{• When you exchanged your wedding vows the words "leave" and "cleave" became a part of your life. To leave means to sever ones relationship before establishing another. This does not mean that you disregard your parents. This means that your primary responsibility is now to your companion.}

^{• To cleave means to weld together. When a man cleaves to his wife they become one flesh. This term is a beautiful description of the oneness, completeness and permanence that God intended in the marriage relationship. It suggest a unique oneness, a total commitment to intimacy in all of life together, symbolized by the sexual union.}

^{• If you held a lump of dark green clay in one hand and a lump of light green clay in the other, you can clearly identify the two different shades of green. However, when you mold them together, at first glance you just see one lump of clay. When you inspect the lump closely, you see the distinct and separate lines of dark and light green clay. This is a picture of our marriage relationship. The two of you are blended together so that you appear as one, yet each of you retains your distinct identity and personality.}

UNIT II

GOD GIVEN ROLES IN MARRIAGE

• We live in a society that has changed dramatically over the last 50 years. This is painfully evident in the area of marriage and the roles and responsibilities of the husband and wife. The "Women’s Rights movement", with their demand for "Equality", has brought much confusion about what is the role of the husband and wife. As more and more woman has moved into the public workforce the traditional roles have changed dramatically. It is not uncommon for the woman to be the breadwinner and the man the housekeeper. Being willing to share responsibility within a marriage relationship is certainly good and needful. But when we do not accept our God-given roles, marriage becomes confusing and dissatisfying. It may be necessary for a husband or wife to take over a role that was not intended for them if their companion refuses to accept their God-given role. For example, if a man will not or can not work, the woman, by necessity must work and become the breadwinner. Let us look and see if we can discern the role of the husband and wife.

I. HUSBAND

1. EP. 5:22-24 Wives, submit to yourselves unto your husbands, as unto the Lord .for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. (I Cor. 11:1-3)

• In everything that God does, he has a certain prescribed order that must be followed. In marriage relationships God has designated to the husband the role of "Head of the House" or "Authority Figure". This does not mean he is to be a dictator. It simply means that he has been given the responsibility of making sure that God’s plan for the family is carried out. He is the authority figure that God looks to if there is a problem. We can see this principle through out the scriptures. For example, Moses was an authority figure to Israel. The pastor is an authority figure to the church etc. With this distinction comes not privilege, but rather responsibility.

2. I Tim. 5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel (unbeliever)(2 Cor. 12:14)

• A 2^{nd role that has been designated to the husband, is that of "Provider" or "Breadwinner". It is the husbands responsibility to provide the basic necessities of life such as food, clothing, and shelter. Gods view of a man who will not accept this responsibility is very harsh.}

^{3. I Sam. 3:13 For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. (Ep. 6:4; Duet. 6:7)}

^{• God held Eli, not his wife responsible for the ungodly lifestyle of his sons. He had failed to properly instruct his children. It is the responsibility of the father to take the lead in teaching the children the ways of God, and instilling in them godly values and morals. The husband/father is responsible for the spiritual wellbeing of his children. This does not mean that he is responsible for their decisions or actions, because God holds each of us accountable (Rom. 14:12). It simply means that he is responsible for providing his children with an understanding and knowledge of what God expects.}

^{4. Pro. 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. (Prov. 19:18; 22:15; 23:13)}

^{• God has always set a standard by which he intends his children to live. By this I mean he clearly defines to us what is acceptable and what is not. The 10 Commandments are an example of the guidelines, which God has in place for us. It is the husbands/fathers responsibility to take the lead in establishing the standards by which the children are expected to live. It is also his responsibility to take the lead in the punishment of the children when there is an infraction of the rules that have been clearly defined.}

^{II. WIFE}

^{1. Ep. 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.}

^{10 • The wife is given the responsibility of working along side her husband in cooperation with him to accomplish God’s purpose for the family. She is not to resist his leadership and try to control the marriage. But rather to allow him to take his rightful God-given role as the head of the family. Hopefully the man has enough sense to recognize his wife’s God-given talents as a resource that God gives to be used when making decisions.}

^{TRUTH: The one who loves the least controls the marriage.}

^{2. Titus 2:5 To be discrete, chaste, keepers at home, good, Obedient, to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.}

^{• A 2nd responsibility of a wife is to be a "Keeper of the home!" this means she is responsible for keeping the house in living order, which would include cleaning, cooking and keeping peace and order as much as is possible.}

^{3. Titus 2:4 That they may teach the young woman to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children.}

^{• A wife also has the responsibility to teach her children and to point them to Jesus Christ. Because of the amount of time that mothers traditionally spend with their children, she will be greatly responsible for the morals and values of the children. She is to work with her husband in establishing rules and standards which teach the children right and wrong. She will also be greatly responsible for the disciplining of the children because of the amount of time spent with them. (I Tim. 1:5 Examples of a mothers influence).}

^{• Susannah Wesley raised 2 of the greatest preachers the world has ever known in the last 200 years. John Wesley was founder of the Methodist Church. His brother Charles was probably a better preacher than he was. Here are her rules for raising her children.}

^{a. Subdue self-will in a child and thus work together with God to save his soul..}

^{b. Teach him to pray as soon as he speaks.}

^{c. Give him nothing he cries for and only what is good for him if he ask for it politely.}

^{d. To prevent lying, punish no fault which is freely confessed, but never allow a rebellious, sinful act to go unnoticed.}

^{e. Commend and reward good behavior.}

^{f. Strictly observe all promises you have made to your child}

^{11 III. SUBMISSION}

^{1. Ep. 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.}

^{• Submission is a controversial and confusing doctrine of the Bible. It is discussed, dissected and debated, but rarely agreed upon. But, it is absolutely vital, not only to maintain a healthy marriage relationship, but also to maintain a right relationship with God. Marriage is a call to servant hood. This is not a popular concept and not high on the list of priorities for most marriages. We would rather be served than to serve.}

^{• The Greek word translated submit (Ep. 5:21) is "hupotasso". It is often translated "subject" and is used several times in the New Testament. It has multiple meanings. The active form of this verb is a military term. It signifies an externally imposed submission based upon someone’s rank or position, just as a private or Sargent would submit to a Captain or Lieutenant. In scripture "hupotasso" emphasizes the rule of Jesus Christ as found in Rom. 8:20;}

^{I Cor. 15:57.}

^{• However the word has another form, the middle or passive voice. Here, subjection is not something arbitrarily done to you; it is something you do voluntarily to yourself. We can see this very clearly in the life of Jesus (Ep. 2:1-8). He voluntarily submitted to becoming a bondservant. He looked out for our interest rather than his own. In the various text such as Ep.5:22; Col.3:18; Titus 2:5 RSV, I Peter 3:1 the word "hupotasso" is the middle or passive voice. The submission you are called to in a marriage is never anything externally imposed; it is a definite act on your part that comes from inside you. And it is a mutual submission; it involves both (Ep.5:21).}

^{• Bible scholars have struggled with the meaning of these scriptures, especially with the feminist movement of recent years demanding to be treated as equals. Some have translated the word "submit" in the military sense of the word proclaiming absolute headship of the husband. Others have swung the other way saying that husbands and wives are equal, and that the Biblical marriage is one of equal partnership. As in other Bible studies our goal is to find scriptural balance and not go too far to the left or right.}

^{• Equality is one principle among others; it doesn’t stand alone as the only word of God to us. It is entirely true; but it is not the entire truth. In Ep.5:21-33 it is obvious that husband and wives are equal in every respect except authority and responsibility.}

^{12 • Headship is not at all a husbands becoming master, boss, tyrant, the dominant force. Nor does it mean that he is the tribal chief, the family manager, the one who has superior rights or privileges and direct everyone else’s life. Rather he is primarily responsible for their common advance toward freedom and fellowship creating a partnership of equals under one responsible head.}

^{• A truly loving husband will regard his wife as a completely equal partner in everything that concerns their life together. Yet throughout the equalitarian process the husband knows that he bears the responsibility before God for the healthful maintenance of the marriage.}

^{• To put it simple, a servants role is to make sure that the other persons needs are met. In a husband wife relationship being a servant is an act of love, a gift to the other person. It is not something to be demanded. It is an act of strength, not weakness.}

UNIT 3

COMMUNICATION

• Communication is an important key to a successful marriage. By communication I do not mean talking about the weather or current events, but I’m talking about sharing our feelings, needs, and deepest desires with each other. In most marriages there is very little genuine communication. Therefore when our marriage relationship begins to deteriorate, we have no means of working out our problems because we don’t understand each other.

ILL: 100 divorce lawyers were asked the question, "What is the major cause of divorce in American marriages?" All 100 lawyers agreed that a breakdown in martial communications was the leading cause of divorce.

• The conclusion of the wedding marks the beginning of a marriage relationship, which is a call to intimacy. Intimacy is a shared identity, a "we" relationship. In shared intimacy there must be a level of honesty that makes each partner vulnerable to each other. The word "intimacy" is derived from the Latin word "intimus; meaning "inmost". Intimacy suggest a very strong personal relationship, a special emotional closeness. It means taking the risk to be close to someone and allowing that someone to step inside your personal boundaries. Intimacy requires vulnerability, but it also requires security. Openness can be scary.

I. A COMMUNICATION TEST

• Let us begin this part of our study with an honest evaluation of where we are at in our communication’s process, by answering these questions honestly.

1. When it comes to conversational intimacy, the way I see our relationship is:

a. We say a lot, but reveal little of our selves.

b. We reveal ourselves, but we don’t say very much.

c. We say a lot and reveal a lot of our real selves.

d. We say little and reveal little of our real selves.

2. When it comes to sharing with you what I’m really thinking,

feeling, wanting or not wanting…

a. I keep my inner self well hidden.

b. I reveal as much as I feel safe to share.

c. I let it all hang out.

3. When it comes to sharing with me what you are really thinking, feeling, wanting or not wanting…

a. You seem to keep your inner self well hidden.

b. You seem to reveal as much as you feel safe to share.

c. You seem to let it all hang out.

4. Some ways I avoid intimacy when we are getting uncomfortably close are…

a. I laugh or crack a joke.

b. I shrug it off and act as if it doesn’t matter.

c. I act confused, like I don’t know what is going on.

d. I look angry so that you can’t see into me too deeply.

e. I change the subject, so I won’t have to deal with it.

f. I get overly talkative

g. I act strong, together, above it all, especially when feeling vulnerable.

TRUTH: In order to improve our marriage, we must improve our

ability to communicate

II. DIFFERENT LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION

• There are 5 levels of conversation that correspond to degrees of intimacy in a marriage relationship. As we look at these different levels, ask yourself:

1. When does this type of conversation occur in our marriage?

2. Which of us tends to use this style of conversation more?

a. The first level of conversation is limited to sharing facts, explanations or information. Conversation at this level are much like exchanging newspaper stories. While the information can be interesting, it is often considered small talk and really doesn’t accomplish much in getting to know another person

b. The second level of conversation centers on sharing the ideals and opinions of other people. Conversation at this level is a bit more interesting and yet discloses little of oneself. Practically no intimacy is achieved when discussion is limited to persons outside the relationship.

c. Conversation level three produces moderate intimacy. At this level, you are sharing your own ideals and opinions. You are disclosing some of your own thoughts and risking minor vulnerability, but you are still not revealing who you really are.

d. Level four involves a higher degree of intimacy in conversation. Now you are sharing personal preferences, beliefs, concerns, and also some of you own personal experiences.

e. Level five is the highest level of communication. Here you share your inner feelings and preferences, likes and dislikes. You share what is occurring in your inner life and you open up completely. You move beyond talking about events or beliefs or ideals or opinions, to talking about how they touch you emotionally and inwardly. At this level, emotional expression has moved from talking from the head to talking from the heart.

III. LISTENING

• Listening is a very important part of the communication’s process. It is one of the greatest gifts one person can give to another. Far too many couples only hear one another. Few actually listen.

Prov. 21:11 TLB The wise man learns by listening; the simpleton can learn only by seeing scorners punished..

• What do we mean by listening? What do we mean by hearing? Hearing involves gaining content or information for our own purpose. Listening involves caring for and being empathic (being able to understand; to be able to put yourself in their situation). Hearing means you are concerned about what is going on inside you during the conversation. Listening means that you are trying to understand the feelings of the other person for his or her sake. Let’s look at a threefold definition of listening when it pertains to your spouse talking to you.

a. Listening means that you’re not thinking about what you’re going to say when he or she stops talking. You are not busy formulating your response. You’re concentrating on what is being said . Prov. 18:13 NIV "He who answers before listening – that is his folly and shame".

16 b. Listening means you are completely accepting what is being Said, without judging what the person is saying. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you agree with the content of what your spouse says. It means that you acknowledge and understand that what your spouse is saying is something he or she is feeling.

c. Listening means being able to repeat what your spouse has said and express what you think he or she was feeling while speaking to you. Real listening implies having an interest in your spouse’s feelings and opinions and attempting to understand those feelings from his or her perspective.

IV. BARRIERS TO LISTENING

A. Defensiveness

We miss the message if our minds are busy thinking up a rebuttal, excuse or exception to what our spouse is saying. For example, we may reach a premature conclusion, "All right, I know just what you’re going to say. We’ve been through this before and it’s the same old thing".

B. Personal Biases

We may have a biased attitude toward a person who speaks in a certain tone of voice, a person of a certain ethnic group, someone of the opposite sex, someone who reminds us of a person from our past etc. Our personal biases will affect how well we listen.

C. Different Listening Styles

Lack of understanding of gender differences in listening and conversation creates problems. Woman use more verbal responses to "encourage" the talker such as " mm-hmmm" and "yeah" just to indicate they are listening. A man will use this response, usually, only when he’s agreeing with what his wife is saying. A husband therefore interprets his wife’s responses as signs that she agrees with him. A wife on the other hand may interpret his lack of response as not caring. Thus, a wife may complain "He never listens to me".

D. Inner Struggles

We have difficulty listening when our emotional involvement reaches the point where we are unable to separate ourselves from the other person. If we dislike the other person, we probably won’t listen to them very well. And if someone speaks to loudly or too softly, we may struggle to keep listening.

E. The Habit Of Interrupting

It’s easy for our minds to wonder, for we think at 5 times the rate we speak. If a person speaks at 100 words a minute, and you’re listening at 500 words a minute, what do you do? Even though you process information faster than it can be verbalized, you can choose either to stay in pace with the speaker or to let your mind wander.

F. Mental Overload

We can have so much on our minds that we just can’t handle anything else.

G. Bad Timing

Choosing the right time to speak can be crucial to the listening process. A telephone call just as you are getting ready to sit down to your favorite meal is an example of bad timing.

H. Physical Exhaustion

Both mental and physical fatigue make it difficult to listen.

I. Selective Attention

Often we hear what we want to hear or what fits with our mindset. If we engage in selective listening, we probably engage in selective memory.

V. THE WAYS WE COMMUNICATE

• Every message has three components: (1)The actual content

(2) The tone of voice. (3) The non-verbal communication. It is

possible to use the same word, statement or question and express

many different messages by simply changing the tone of voice or

body movement. Non-verbal communication includes facial

expression, body posture and gestures or actions.

• It has been suggested that successful communication consist of 7% content, 38% tone of voice, and 55% non-verbal communication. We could state it this way, what we say must be backed up by proper actions or the wrong message is sent. For example:

a. A man says to his wife "Dear, I love you", but he buries his head in a newspaper or TV. What is she to believe?

b. A woman asks, "How was your day?" in a flat tone, while passing her husband on her way to another room, what does he respond to, the verbal or non-verbal message?

UNIT 4

PERSONALITY TYPES

PSA. 139:14 NLT Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – and how well I know it.

• No where is the breadth of God’s creativity more evident than in human kind. No two of us are exactly alike. Even identical twins can have opposite personalities. Each of us has a combination of gifts, talents, attitudes, beliefs, needs and wants that is different from anyone else’s. That’s part of what makes life so exciting. It’s amazing that children from the same gene pool, raised by the same parents, eating the same diet, going to the same school and church can be so different.

• What is personality type? How does it work? Personality type consists of several inborn preferences or tendencies that have a strong impact on how we develop as individuals. Each of us begins life with a small number of inherited personality traits that make us a little different from everyone else. Recognizing personality traits can help us to be more understanding of our companions actions and attitudes. As we look at these personality types it will be from a standpoint of how it will affect communication in our marriage and create conflicts. Remember: You do not, will not and can not change your spouse’s personality type. You learn to adjust to it.

I. HOW PEOPLE GATHER ENERGY AND RESPOND

A. Extrovert

People are like batteries. When a battery is attached to a charger, energy flows into the battery. When the battery is powering a light bulb, energy flows out of the battery.

Extroverts are people oriented. They gain energy from people. Energy flows into extroverted types when they are around people. Energy flows out of extroverted types when they are quietly reflecting on issues.

Here are some characteristics that might help us to recognize an extrovert:

1. They are approachable by friends and strangers alike.

2. They may tend to dominate a conversation.

3. They talk with everyone.

4. They are not the best listeners. For them, listening is harder than talking because they have to give up the limelight.

5. They typically like noise. For example, when they come home, they turn on the TV or radio even though they don’t watch or listen.

6. In conflict they talk louder and faster.

7. They are lonely when their partner isn’t there.

8. They have a high need for affirmation and compliments from everyone.

On a scale of 1-10, How would you rate yourself and your companion as an extrovert?

B. Introvert

An introvert is energized by being alone and is privacy oriented. Energy flows into introverts when they are able to reflect quietly, while energy flows out of them when they are interacting with others.

Here are some characteristics that might help us to recognize an introvert:

1. If pressured to give an immediate, quick answer, their minds shut down. They usually respond with, "let me think about that" or " I’ll get back to you on that".

2. Seen as shy or backward.

3. They love privacy and quiet time to themselves.

4. They are good listeners and hate to be interrupted when they talk.

5. They are suspicious of compliments. In turn they may give them out sparingly.

6. They can handle the absence of their companion fairly well.

7. They have clearly defined boundaries and their motto is: "You stay out of my territory and I’ll stay out of yours".

On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself and your companion as an introvert? If you are not an extreme extrovert or introvert, you will possess some characteristics from each type.

• Can you already see in this first personality type the potential for martial conflict and misunderstanding? It takes hard work and patience for two different personality types to live together. The very factor that attracted an extrovert to an introvert before marriage, can be a major issue of conflict after marriage, as each others preference will seem more extreme when viewed on a daily basis.

II. HOW PEOPLE GATHER DATA AND

INFORMATION

A. Sensor

If you are a sensor, you are keyed into information you receive through your five senses. What you pay attention to are the facts and details of situations. Here are some characteristics that might help us to recognize a sensor.

1. When they ask a question, they want a specific answer.

For example: You ask your spouse "What time should I meet you?" And she says, "Around 4:00". That won’t do, you need to be more specific.

2. You tend to be a focused person. You have a high level of concentration on what you are doing at the present.

3. You are a doer. If you have a choice between sitting around thinking about something or performing a task, there’s no question you’ll do something.

4. You’re a factual person. Theories don’t thrill you, but good old facts do.

5. They have little use for fantasy. They wonder why people assume, speculate and imagine.

6. They have difficulty seeing the overall plan of something because they focus on what they’re doing now.

7. They look at money realistically, rather than through rose colored glasses. They are very exact and careful in spending.

8. Predictability in a relationship gives them a sense of security, whereas change throws them.

B. Intuitive

If you are an intuitive person, the way you respond to the world is not through the five senses or by means of facts, but on the basis of your sixth sense, or on hunches. Details and facts are something that you can easily become bored with. Here are some things that may help us to identify an Intuitive.

1. Possibility is a very important word to you, because your focus is not on the here and now, but on the future.

2. Sometimes thought of as absent minded, because they like to think of several things at once.

3. Intuitive are seen as creative.

4. More concerned about how to spend the next pay check than balancing the check book.

5. They are drawn to investment opportunities, because they see the possibility of making a lot of money, but they ignore the risk factor.

6. They tend to view relationships optimistically, at times even unrealistically.

• To illustrate the differences between a sensor and an intuitive, a class was divided into two groups based upon whether they were a Sensor or Intuitive. Each group was placed in a separate room with a can of tinker toys. The only instructions given were to build a building.

The building the Sensors made was precise and so strong that it could survive an 8.0 earthquake. But it was lacking style, beauty and creativity. To the intuitive it was functional and even boring.

The building the Intuitive created was a work of art. It was creative and would enrich the look of any city. But there was one problem. You could blow it over with one puff. There was no strength to the structure.

FACT: About 70% of people are Sensors, 30% Intuitive.

III. HOW PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS

• People make decisions either with their head or their hearts. Some people are thinkers who make decisions quickly, while others are feelers who seem to take forever to make a decision. Here is some information that may help us to identify what we are.

A. Thinker

1. They believe if they can gather enough information or data they can arrive at the truth

2. They stay calm in a situation where everyone else is upset.

3. They are reserved in the way they show love and sometimes that expression is quiet impersonal.

4. It is uncomfortable to share emotions.

5. You want to make sure others know where you stand. You are not so concerned with what makes others happy.

EXAMPLE: The difference between a thinking person and a feeler may be seen in the way they make decisions, such as buying a car. Thinkers get the consumer reports and do research into different kinds of cars. They ask themselves, What is the best financial value?" or "Which is safest?" When they go to a dealership, they’ll know exactly what they want. They won’t be talked into buying another car. Feeling people start looking at all the cars on the road. "Which car would I like to be driving right now?" "What color looks good?" When feeling people arrive at the car dealership, they may think, I want a blue Honda Coupe. But after they’ve looked around awhile, they may fall in love with a metallic green Honda Accord. And that’s the car they’ll buy, even if it cost more money.

B. Feeler

• Feeling people make decisions from a personal standpoint by putting themselves into the situation. Let’s look at some qualities that a feeler may possess.

1. They are comfortable with emotions. They want to experience intimacy.

2. When it comes to making a decision, they’re not just concerned with how it affects them, but how it affects others as well. You may over extend yourself to meet the needs of others.

3. You’re well liked because you’re a peacemaker. "Lets all get alone" is your motto.

4. You show your caring in a personal way, through cards, words actions an so on.

EXAMPLE: If a thinker were on a jury, he would be concerned with justice and fairness. He would look at the facts, find the truth and make a decision. A feeler would be concerned with mercy. Facts are alright, but what were the circumstances? Why did the person do what he did? A feeler would want to give the benefit of a doubt.

EXAMPLE: For a thinker Bible Study is a time to study the doctrinal and ethical truths of the faith. For a feeler knowing about God is all right, but knowing God personally is so much better. In a Bible Study, feelers want to be moved emotionally.

• Lets summarize the difference:

1. A thinker takes care of things, and a feeler takes care of people.

2. A thinker takes care of organization, and a feeler provides warmth and harmony.

3. A thinker brings emotional control to a relationship, while a feeler provides emotional energy.

4. A thinker gives structure, a feeler nurtures.

List some possible conflicts this could cause in a marriage relationship.  

1. IV. HOW PEOPLE STRUCTURE THEIR LIVES

• Do you like structure and organization, or is your approach to life free flowing, spontaneous and adoptive?

A. Judger

1. You are extremely conscious of time and schedule.

2. You are a list keeper.

3. In school you probably completed assigned projects in advance. You like order.

4. Your motto is "Get the work done first; then play".

5. You think of money as something that provides security. The best thing to do with money? Save it.

B. Perceiver

1. You love adventure.

2. Planning is not for you. Let’s just wait and see what happens.

3. Neatness has little appeal to you. (disorganized)

4. You wait until the last minute to get things done.

5. You’re easily distracted.

6. It’s difficult for you to make up your mind about things.

7. Your motto is "I’ll get around to it".

8. Money is a means to help you get the most out of life. The best way to use it is "Spend It."

2. 9. You experience tension when considering commitment because you don’t want to cut off options.

UNIT 5

BASIC EMOTIONAL NEEDS

• We have seen in Unit 4 how that different personality types can cause conflict and create problems. In this part of our study, we are going to continue focus on the difference of men and women. This time we are going to look at the 5 basic emotional needs of a man and a woman. Our goal is to recognize which of these basic needs is most important to our companion and to do a better job of meeting those needs. Here are the 5 most basic needs of a man and a woman within the marriage relationship. This list may not fit you exactly, but it will correspond to the majority of us.

The Man’s 5 Most Basic Needs in a Marriage Tend to Be:

1. Sexual fulfillment

2. Recreational companionship

3. An attractive spouse

4. Domestic support

5. Admiration

The Woman’s 5 Most Basic Needs in a Marriage Tend to Be:

1. Affection

2. Conversation

3. Honesty and openness

4. Financial support

5. Family commitment

• Again we can see clearly that men and women are different. Not one need was common to both. Understanding these differences are vital to a healthy marriage. The problem in most marriages is that they do not communicate to one another what their needs are. We believe our companion should know what we need, because we assume that their needs are the same as ours. Even when we are trying hard to please our companion and meet their needs, it will most likely lead to frustration, because we are trying to meet the wrong need.

• When a man and a woman exchange wedding vows, they are promising each other the exclusive right to have their needs met by their companion. They are promising not to go outside the marriage to have any of their needs met. Failure to meet these basic needs will create a powerful temptation to go outside the marriage to satisfy them. This is the basic reason affairs take place. If you want to affair proof your marriage, identify and meet your  companion’s basic emotional needs. Let us look at these needs one by one.

TRUTH: These emotional needs are a genuine need, much like food and water. They are not the want of a selfish person.

I. AFFECTION

• To most women affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval, vitally important commodities in their eyes. When a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages:

a. I’ll take care of you and protect you. You are important to me, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.

b. I’m concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you.

c. I think you’ve done a good job, and I’m so proud of you.

• Affection is so important for a woman that they become confused when their husband don’t respond in kind. For example, a wife may call her husband at work just to talk. She would love to receive such a call and is sure he feels the same way. She is often disappointed when he cuts it short because "I’ve got a lot of stuff to do."

• Men need to realize one thing about a woman. To her affection does not necessarily mean sex. It is vitally important to a woman’s well being and the health of your marriage that you provide your wife affection that does not demand sex in return. Most of the affection a woman gives and receives has nothing to do with sex. This is in contrast to a man who sees affection as a part of sexual foreplay.

• Here are a few habits that go a long way toward helping you become an affectionate husband. Don’t use the excuse "I’m just not an affectionate person." You can learn to be.

a. Hug and kiss your wife every morning while you are still in bed.

b. Tell her that you love her before you leave for work.

c. Kiss her before you leave for the days activities.

d. Call her during the day to see how she is doing.

e. Bring her flowers once in a while as a surprise (be sure to include a card that expresses your love for her).

f. Gifts for special occasions (birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day) should besentimental, not practical. Learn how to shop for a woman.

g. After work, call her before you leave for home, so that she can know when to expect you.

h. When you arrive home from work, give her a hug and a kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how "her" day went.

i. Help with the dishes after dinner.

j. Hug and kiss her every night, before you both go to sleep.

• Most affairs start because of lack of affection (for the wife) and lack of sex (for the men). It is a quite a vicious cycle. She doesn’t get enough affection, so she shuts him off sexually. He doesn’t get enough sex, so the last thing he feels like being is affectionate.

ILL: A man at work decided to show his wife how much he loved her, and before going home, showered, shaved, put on some choice cologne, brought her a bouquet of flowers. He went to the front door and knocked. His wife answered the door and exclaimed, "Oh No! This has been a terrible day! First I had to take Billy to the emergency room and get stitches in his leg, then your mother called and said she’s coming for 2 weeks, then the washing machine broke, and now this! You come home drunk!"

• Here are some questions we need to ask ourselves about affection in our marriage. BE HONEST!

Questions for the Husband:

1. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being "very affectionate," how affectionate am I toward my wife? How would she rate me?

2. Is affection the environment for our entire marriage?

3. In the past have I tended to equate affection with getting sexually aroused? Why hasn’t this worked?

4. In what specific ways do I show my wife affection?

5. Would I be willing to have her coach me in how to show her more affection in the ways she really likes it?

Questions for the Wife:

1. Is affection as important to me as this unit claims?

2. If I’m not getting enough affection from my husband, am I willing to put aside my pride and patiently coach him?

3. Would I find it easier to make love if I felt he were truly interested in me and affectionate towards me?

II. SEXUAL FULFILLMENT

• The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband’s deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife’s deep need for affection. This sex drive, which is God given, is second only to the need for food in a man’s life.

• When a man chooses a wife he makes a commitment that says to her, "I will look to you to meet my basic needs. I am committing myself exclusively to you." Most needs a man can legitimately satisfy outside of marriage. He can find friends and go hunting with them. He can find somebody that will give him admiration at the office. But, his need for sexual fulfillment cannot legitimately be satisfied anywhere else but in your relationship.

1 Cor. 7:3-5 NLT The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife. So do not deprive each other of sexual relations. The only exception to this rule would be the agreement of both husband and wife to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time, so they can give themselves more completely to prayer. Afterward they should come together again so that satan won’t be able to tempt them because of their lack of self-control.

• If a husband is not getting his legitimate sexual fulfillment in his wife, an atmosphere is created where he is exposed to the wiles and temptations of satan.

Letter:

To my loving wife, during the past year I’ve tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded only 36 times. This is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of reasons why I did not succeed the other 329 times:

• Too late –23 times

• Too hot – 16 times

• Too cold – 5 times

• It would wake up the children – 27 times

• Company in the next room – 11 times

• The neighbors windows were open – 9 times

• You were too full – 10 times

• You had a headache – 18 times

• A backache – 26 times

• A toothache – 13 times

• Giggles – 6 times

• You pretended to be asleep – 46 times

• Not in the mood – 36 times

• You had a mud pack on – 11 times

• You watched late TV – 17 times

• I watched late TV – 15 times

• You had to go to the bathroom 19 – times

For a total of 329 times. During the times I did succeed, the activity, was not entirely satisfactory for a number of reasons:

• 7 times you watched TV the whole time

• 6 times you chewed gum the whole time

• 16 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.

• 6 times I tried to waken you to tell you we were through.

• 1 time I was afraid I hurt you before I felt you move.

Honey, its no wonder I’m cranky.

Your Loving Husband.

The Golden Rule of Marriage:

Meet your spouse’s needs as you would want your spouse to meet yours.

Questions for Him:

1. If your wife commented on your sexual desires and technique to a sex therapist, what do you think she would say?

2. How would you describe your sexual diet?

Steady_____ Spasmodic_____ Starvation_____

3. A woman is sexually aroused by her husband’s affection, attentiveness, warmth, kindness, and tender sensibility. Are these qualities you consistently try to develop and express? What do you think your wife would say in response to this question?

To Consider Together:

1. Are we both having a satisfactory sexual experience? If not, at what stages are we having problems, and how can we change that?

2. Do we need to study a good sex manual together?

3. Marriage is a conditional union. "If I do not try to meet my spouse’s needs, and she does not try to meet mine, we may be technically married, but we will not know the happiness and fulfillment marriage should provide." Do you agree or disagree? Share with each other how you feel about this statement.

4. In the areas of affection and sex, are we practicing "The Golden Rule" of marriage?

III. CONVERSATION

• In dealing with marriage problems rarely do you hear a man complain, "Why isn’t my wife talking to me?" But it is common to hear from the woman "Why isn’t my husband talking to me?" Men do not seem to have as great a need for conversation with their wives as women do with their husbands. Woman will often spend hours with each other on the phone, while men rarely call each other just to chat and be brought up-to-date.

• When men are together they tend to talk about practical matters, like fixing the car, the best place to fish or sporting events. But they tend not to talk about themselves or their feelings. As much as women enjoy conversation, they do not like men who spend the evening talking about only their own problems and achievements.

• The conversation that satisfies a woman’s needs must focus on the events of her day, people she may have encountered, and most of all how she feels about them. Most important, a woman wants to be with someone who, in her perception, cares deeply about her and for her.

• Why is conversation so important? As we study the 10 basic needs for men and women, you’ll begin to see that they all interrelate very closely. Because of this, if you fail to meet one of your spouse’s needs, it may influence your ability to fulfill another. For example, imagine trying to successfully meet your partner’s needs for sex or affection without using verbal communication. Conversation not only meets an emotional need for women, it also serves other purposes in building a relationship. It helps couples to (1) Communicate their needs to each other and (2) Learn how to meet each other’s needs.

A. Growing Apart

• A couple can grow apart if they don’t maintain good conversation. One of the trends that can easily develop after marriage is that each person develops their own interest. Since these interests do not overlap, you have nothing to talk about and often become two strangers living under the same roof. If you want to have a successful marriage, it is imperative that a husband and wife develop some mutual interest that they can share.

TRUTH: A husband and wife must invest time in each other.

B. Enemies of Good Conversation

• In order to have a conversation that is beneficial to a marriage there are certain topics that should be avoided.

1. Using conversation to punish each other

2. Using conversation to force agreement to your way of thinking.

3. Dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

Questions for Him

1. Do I spend time talking to my wife? If so how many hours per week? Should we make a change?

2. Do I share interest with my wife? How can I improve?

3. Does my career take me away from my wife? How can I change?

Questions For Her

1. Do I miss anything from our dating days? Do we still have the kind of communication we shared then?

2. Am I doing anything that hinder conversation? Do I have a job that requires too much travel? Do I talk too much? What can I do to improve such a situation?

3. What interest do I share with my husband? What do we talk about together? Are there any other areas we need to share?

IV. RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP

• Dr. Willard F Harley, a psychologist and marriage counselor for more than 25 years says spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband.

• One of the reasons husbands and wives don’t spend recreational time together is because of the different recreational interest they have. Men typically like football, basketball, hunting or fishing etc. The all-time favorite recreation for women is going out to dinner, and of course shopping (Wal-mart).

• The rules that work for conversation also work for recreation. By this I mean we need to find some recreational activities that there is a mutual interest in that both you and your spouse can enjoy. As in other areas of marriage, compromise will have to be a part of the formula, if it works.

Questions for Her

1. Do you believe your husband puts as much emphasis on having you for a recreational companion as Dr. Harley claims?

2. Which of the following describes your marriage:

a. He goes his way, I go mine

b. We seem to do as much together as most couples do

c. We are close to or at the 15 hour level (This is the amount of time Dr. Harley suggest that a husband/wife should spend together in conversation/recreation).

3. Can you think of any recreational pastime that you would be willing to give up in order to spend more time with your husband? Could he do the same?

Questions for Him

1. Which of the following describes your marriage?

a. She goes her way, I go mine

b. Without my nights out with the guys, I don’t think I could make it

c. We aren’t close to spending 15 hours per week together, but I would like to try

d. We’re close to the 15 hour mark

2. Does limiting your recreational time strictly to your wife sound threatening to you? If so, try to put your feelings down on paper to see exactly what bothers you.

3. What are you willing to give up to spend more recreational time with your wife? What do you think she would give up?

V. HONESTY AND OPENNESS

• A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman’s 5 basic needs. If a husband does not keep an honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and eventually destroys her security. To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present and the future. Without honesty and openness a couple can resolve or decide very little.

• When you are married, you must send each other accurate messages and receive accurate messages. One of the major mistakes made in a marriage is for one or both of the spouses to feel one way and respond in another. When you fail to respond the way you actually feel, you mate’s adjustment to you will be off target.

• Your mate has a right to "know you!" This includes your good and bad feelings, your frustrations, your problems and fears, anything that’s on your mind. (Ep. 5:31)

A. Three Kinds of Lying Husbands

1. The "Born Liar"

• From an early age he has continually told lies. Now it seems he’ll make an effort to lie when it is easier to tell the truth.

2.The "Avoid Trouble" liar

• He doesn’t lie all the time, only when there is pressure or a significant problem

3. The "Protector" liar

• He believes the truth would be just too much for his wife.

• The truth may be painful at times, but the truth does not drive a woman crazy. On the contrary, a woman feels in control, because she now knows what she needs to do to change the situation. A husband must present himself to his wife as he is. Then she can adjust, negotiate, and draw close to him.

TRUTH: Trust cannot be turned on like a light switch. It must be earned.

Questions for Him

1. On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being totally honest) how honest are you with your wife? (How would she rate you on this scale)?

2. In what areas is it hardest to be "Totally" honest and open with your wife? Why is it hard? How well does she handle it when you are candid about sensitive issues?

3. Do you agree or disagree with the contention that there should be no privacy in your marriage – that is, neither one of you should keep certain parts of your selves from each other?  

Questions for Her

1. In the listing of your personal needs, how essential is being able to trust your husband? Do you agree that is one of your 5 basic needs in marriage? Why or why not?

2. Has your husband ever lied to you to protect you? If so, how did this make you feel?

3. In what areas, if any, do you wish your husband were more open and honest with you?

VI. AN ATTRACTIVE SPOUSE

• This section on an attractive spouse is taken from a teaching by Kay Warren, wife of Rick Warren, Pastor of Saddleback Valley Community Church in Orange County, California.

• The fact is, we do change as we get older. Its inevitable, most of us after we get married start to gain weight, even dress less attractively than we did in our teens or twenties when we first got married. There’s the subtle thought in our minds, "I got him. If he doesn’t love me this way, he doesn’t really love me. It doesn’t really matter what I do, how I dress, how I act." Men care about an attractive spouse. I am not saying you have to look like Bo Derek, but neither should you look like a derrick either.

• When Dr. Harley says that men need an attractive spouse, basically what he is saying, is you should take as great of pains as you can to look like the woman he fell in love with. None of us can stop the aging process, but you should take pains to look as much as you can like the woman he married.

A. Why Men Need Attractive Wives

1. If you don’t look good, he’s not going to look much. And when he does, he’s not going to be very excited over what he sees. Men are much more visual than woman. God made them that way. Did you ever think how hard it must be for a man to have all of us walking around in sometimes less than appropriate clothing and he is visually stimulated. Do you understand how much discipline it takes for a Christian man to be godly in thought? Men are visually stimulated, so you want to be the one who stimulates his attraction, not other woman.

2. A simple matter of pride. This sounds stupid to most women but it’s very real in men. When a man, in a business world, takes his wife to a business function and she looks like something the cat dragged in, stomped on and threw back out, he is diminished in the eyes of his peers. That sounds real dumb to us and we don’t like it, but it seems to be the truth. Wives don’t have to be beautiful, but it they’re neat, clean, and well kept, not let yourself go, but dress as attractively as you can with the budget you have, then he is elevated in the eyes of his peers.

B. 4 Elements of Physical Attractions

1. Weight control. There are chemical reasons, but in general the reason we overeat is lack of discipline and we eat for all the wrong reasons. You can control your weight with the Lord’s help and a sensible diet.

2. Make-up. Wear makeup that is attractive to him, that he thinks makes you look nice.

3. Hair style. Don’t get a hair style that your hairdresser likes and your best friend likes, but your husband doesn’t like. Wear your hair (within reason) in a way that appeals to him. He’s the one you’re dressing for. You don’t need to look attractive for other women.

4. Clothes that are flattering. No matter what size you are, you can find clothes that flatter you.

QUOTE: Attractiveness is what you do with what you have.

Questions for Her

1. Do I take my husband’s need for me to be attractive seriously? If not, why not?

2. Does my husband really like the way I look most of the time? Do I?

3. How much care do I take about the way I look? How is my figure? Do I use cosmetics to good advantage? Do I change my hair-style from time to time to please my husband by giving him a little variety in the way I look?

Questions for Him

1. Am I willing to own up to this as one of my most basic needs in my marriage? If not, why not?

2. Has my wife’s appearance declined since our wedding? Do I really like the way she looks, or do I just say I do?

3. If my wife told me she was willing to change anything she could about her physical appearance, what would I ask her to change? Why?

4. How does my physical appearance affect my wife? Does she like it? Do I get lazy about the way I look?

VII. FINANCIAL SUPPORT

• Do women marry men for money? This is a source of humorous jokes for some. The truth is a woman does marry a man for his money. By this, I mean, she wants him to earn enough money to support her as well as (or better than) her father did when she was growing up.

• A woman’s need for financial support is deep and should be treated seriously. Men don’t have this need. In fact a husband rarely feels good when his wife supports him financially. If his salary pays the bills, he usually feels quite content if she earns little or nothing. Women are generally not content with a husband who earns little or nothing.

Questions for Him

1. On a scale from –4 (very unhappy) to a 4+ (very happy), how happy are you in your present job?

2. When you first married did you think your wife would expect you to support her financially? Did you expect her to work?

3. Do you think your wife is satisfied with the money you can presently earn working a normal work week?

4. Have you recently considered retraining so that you could qualify for a job that earns more money? Would cutting household expenses accomplish the same objective?

5. Would your wife willingly cut some household cost? Would she be as happy after those cuts were made?

Questions for Her

1. On a scale of –4 very insecure) to +4 (very secure), how secure do you feel with financial support your husband presently provides?

2. Have you thought much about your husband’s income and how it affects your standard of living? If so, how do you feel about it?

3. Would you feel comfortable sharing with him any negative feelings you may have about your level of income? Have you shared them in the past?

4. Are you willing to reduce the standard of living so that you can be supported by the income of your husband? Do you want to be able to choose between a career and raising a family full time?

VIII. DOMESTIC SUPPORT

• A husband’s need for domestic support from his wife is so deep he often thinks about how she will greet him lovingly and pleasantly at the door, with well-behaved children who likewise act glad to see him and welcome him to the comforts of a well-maintained home.

• To put it simply, in most marriages there exists an unspoken tradeoff between husband and wife. He expects her to simplify his life by cooking his meals, washing and ironing his clothe. Keeping the house picked up, calling a repairman when necessary, and attending to the basic needs of the children. To the extent that she gives him this kind of domestic support, he enjoys his responsibility to provide his family with the income it needs.

• Most husbands don’t do much housework, whether their wives work or not. In most cases, working wives come home exhausted to tend to their children and clean up as best they can, but much of the housework is left undone. These women don’t spend weekend’s resting; they spend them watching the children, cleaning the house and washing clothes. Yet for many men the need for domestic support is very strong. How can this problem be solved?

• Find out what your husband’s most important domestic needs are, what would bring him the most pleasure. Use the time you have to meet these needs. For example: if one of the needs that would bring him the most pleasure is supper fixed by a certain time, focus on that and leave off doing some other household chore.

• Meeting your spouse’s needs for domestic support does not mean that your spouse doesn’t help with any housework or care for the children. It simply means that you are doing domestic things that mean the most to him/her. The domestic responsibilities that remain should either be shared or hired out. In determining the distribution of household responsibilities, both of you should be comfortable with your parts. Remember the feeling of fairness is essential in a great marriage. As you carry out your plan to meet your spouse’s need for domestic support, it won’t work if you feel degraded, used or taken for granted. In other words, if you feel that what you’re doing is at all unfair, go back to the drawing board, make a new plan.

SOME ADVICE:

You may need to write down on paper the number of hours per day, hours per week you are spending at work and taking care of the domestic needs. You may find out that one or the other has a much heavier load.

Questions for Her

1. Have you felt pressure from your husband to meet his domestic needs? How does he go about pressuring you?

2. Do you feel that he is expecting to much? Does he understand all the responsibilities you try to balance in a day?

3. How can you communicate to him your willingness to provide domestic support, but the difficulty you have fitting it in? Are you willing to eliminate some of your responsibilities to make room for domestic support?

Questions for Him

1. Have you been feeling resentful about the way your wife fails to meet domestic responsibilities? If so, have you tried to express your need for more help from her?

2. How does your resentment affect your willingness to help with domestic responsibilities? If she were willing to help in ways that mean the most to you, would you be willing to help more yourself?

To Consider Together

1. Discuss the way you have burdened each other with responsibilities:

a. With a standard of living that requires more time at work than you like.

b. With children’s activities that are more work than you anticipated.

c. With church or volunteer work that takes time away from your family.

d. With hobbies and recreational interest that take time and resources away from higher priorities.

IX. FAMILY COMMITMENT

• Wives need a strong family unit. They want their husbands to take a leadership role in their family and to commit themselves to the moral and educational development of their children. The ideal scenario for a woman is to marry a man whom she can look up to and respect and then have the children grow up to be like their father.

A. Parenting Takes Time

• In addition to giving his wife 15 hours of undivided attention and spending 50 hours or more making a living, a man also needs to devote some quality time to his family. This is time spent together for the express purpose of teaching the children the value of cooperation and care for each other. Here are some activities you may consider doing.

1. Meals together as a family.

2. Going out for walks or a bike ride.

3. Attending church together.

4. Playing games together.

5. Attending sporting events.

6. Reading to the children before bedtime.

• Your list will also include other things you enjoy. Your aim is family togetherness; during this time encourage family members to help each other. Make it a time of fun with your children, not a time of drudgery.

B. Parenting Takes Training

• If you wish to parent your children well, you will also need to face the fact that you will need some good training in this skill. In regard to a woman’s need for a good father for her children, far and away the most significant area any husband needs to work on is learning to discipline children properly. Even more important he needs to learn how to work with his wife in disciplining children.

TRUTH: By avoiding the role of a father, a man loses his wife’s respect.

Questions for Him

1. Have you committed yourself to your family?

2. Are you experiencing any problems with anger? Punishment consistency? Agreement with your wife in child discipline?

3. Are you overcome with responsibilities? Have you tried to communicate your juggling act to your wife? Does she seem to understand?

4. Do you have a plan which you and your wife have agreed upon with which your problems of family commitment and parenting will be resolved over the next few months? If not, do you plan to get some help to resolve this problem?

Questions for Her

1. List some of the skills your husband has mastered in learning to raise your children.

2. List the skills you think he should develop in learning to raise your children.

3. Have you tried to encourage your husband to spend more time each week with the family? What would be a more effective method?

4. Have you tried to convince your husband that you need his commitment to the family?

X. ADMIRATION

• Honest admiration is a great motivator for most men. It not only motivates, it also rewards the husband’s existing achievements. When she tells him that she appreciates him for what he has done, it gives him more satisfaction than he receives from his paycheck. A woman need to appreciate her husband for what he already is, not for what he could become, if he lived up to her standards.

• Never fake admiration. By simply saying flattering words to your husband, you can do more harm than good. To have any value, praise must genuinely reflect your feelings. You may say "That sounds good, but what if my husband is a constant source of irritation? What if he always fouls things up? How can I learn to admire a man like that?"

A. A Plan to Create Admiration

• As a husband learns to meet his wife’s 5 most important needs, she finds herself responding with a natural and overflowing respect for him. Conversely, if a man does not meet these needs, she can not in all honesty express the admiration he needs from her. Therefore her admiration depends on his ability to meet her basic marital needs.

STEP 1: Identify characteristics that build and destroy admiration.

^{Make 2 list, the 1st; describing the characteristics you admire in your husband, the 2nd describing the characteristics that destroy her admiration. In both lists group these items into the 5 basic needs we have already considered for woman.}

Characteristics That I Admire

Affection

1._______________________________________________

2._______________________________________________

3._______________________________________________

Conversation

1._______________________________________________

2._______________________________________________

3._______________________________________________

Financial Support

1._______________________________________________

2._______________________________________________

3._______________________________________________

Honesty and Openness

1._______________________________________________

2._______________________________________________

3._______________________________________________

Family Commitment

1._______________________________________________

2._______________________________________________

3._______________________________________________

Characteristics That Destroy My Admiration

Affection

1._______________________________________________

2._______________________________________________

3._______________________________________________

Conversation

1._______________________________________________

2._______________________________________________

3._______________________________________________

Financial Support

1._______________________________________________

2._______________________________________________

3._______________________________________________

Honesty and Openness

1._______________________________________________

2._______________________________________________

3._______________________________________________

Family Commitment

1._______________________________________________

2._______________________________________________

3._______________________________________________

STEP 2: Make a trade

^{Once you have completed the 1st step and have listed your strong and weak areas, agree to work together to overcome the characteristics that destroy admiration for either of you. If your husband absolutely will not cooperate then you may never be able to give him the admiration he needs.}

^{STEP 3: You can change habits.}

^{You need to realize that you can’t change personality traits, but you can change habits. For example: you can’t teach someone to be pleasant that’s a personality trait. But you can be taught to smile more often and criticize people less because those are habits.}

^{Questions for Her}

^{1. Is it hard for you to express admiration to your husband? Has he ever asked you to be less critical of him or encouraged you to "count your blessings?"}

^{2. Do you need to develop a feeling of admiration or simply the habit of expressing your admiration?}

^{3. Make the list of changes you would like in your husband. Divide the list into essential and unessential changes. If your husband made these essential changes, do you think you would be able to show him the admiration he needs?}

^{Questions for Him}

^{1. Are you aware of your need for admiration? Some men never give it a thought and don’t think they need it. What evidence might there be in your life that you have a deep and basic need for praise from your wife?}

^{2. How have you tried to communicate the need of admiration to her? How has she responded?}

^{3. Make the list of changes you would like in your wife. Divide your list into essential and unessential changes. Are you willing to make the changes your wife will suggest to you, if she makes the changes that you would like her to make?}

UNIT 6

FALLING IN LOVE

I. THE IN-LOVE EXPERIENCE

• Most of us enter marriage by way of the "In Love" experience. We meet someone whose physical characteristics and personality traits create enough electrical shock to trigger our "love alert" system. The bells go off, and we set in motion the process of getting to know the person.

• At its peak the "In Love" experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of one another. When we rise that person is the 1st thought on our minds. We long to be together. The person who is "In Love" has the illusion that his/her beloved is perfect. Family and friends can see the flaws in your beloved, but you can't. 

^{ILL.: As a daughter brought her date to meet her parents, the mother was terrified by the young man’s tattoos, long hair, beard, earring, heavy boots and overall rough appearance. In concern, she pulled her daughter aside and asked, "Honey is he nice?" The girl was taken aback by such a question from her mother. She said, "Of course he’s nice. If he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"}

^{• Our dreams before marriage are of martial bliss: "We are going to make each other supremely happy. Other couples may argue and fight but not us. We love each other." Of course we are not totally naïve. We know intellectually that we will eventually have differences. But we are certain that we will discuss those differences openly, one of us will always be willing to make concessions, and we will reach an agreement. It’s hard to believe anything else when you are in love.}

^{• Unfortunately the "In Love" experience is fiction, not fact. One study on this subject concluded that the average life of a romantic obsession is 2 years. Eventually we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. Those little traits that we have over looked when we were in love now become huge mountains.}

^{What happened to the "In Love" experience? Was it but an illusion by which we were tricked into signing our names on the dotted line, for better or worse? If this is so, and we were deceived, we have a right to be angry. Did we really have the "Real Thing”?  Probably so. The problem was faulty information. The bad information was the ideal that the “In Love” obsession would last forever.}

• Some people who study and research this subject have concluded that the "In Love" experience should not be called love at all. Here are three reasons why they have come to that conclusion:

1. Falling in love is not an act of the will or a conscious choice.

2. Falling in love is not real because it is effortless.

3. One who is "In Love’ is not genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other person.

II. LOVE IS A CHOICE

• Once the experience of falling in love has run it’s natural course, we will return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves. The old selfish natural human nature will kick in. He will express his desires, but his desires will be different from hers. She wants to visit her parents, but he says "I don’t like spending so much time with your family." He wants to play in the softball tournament, and she says, "You love softball more than you love me." Little by little, the illusion of intimacy evaporates, and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts and behavior patterns exert themselves. They are two individuals. They fall out of love, and at this point either they withdraw, separate, divorce, and set off in search of a new "In Love" experience, or they begin the hard work of learning to love each other without the euphoria of the "In Love" obsession.

• If love is a choice, then we have the ability to love after the "In Love" obsession has died and we have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude, a way of thinking. Love is the attitude that says, "I am married to you, and I choose to look out for your interest." The one who chooses to love must then find the appropriate ways to express this decision.

III. LOVE LANGUAGES

• The desire for romantic love in a marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Keeping love alive in our marriage is serious business. In order to keep love alive we must be willing to learn our companions primary love language. We will never be able to effectively communicate our love to our companion until we know what it is that makes them feel loved.

• We are going to look briefly at 5 primary love languages. These are ways in which people express and receive love. Husband and wife rarely have the same one, so it is our responsibility to find out what our companions love language is. Then, once we know what it is, communicate our love to them in a way they can understand and feel loved.

• These 5 primary love languages will be similar to some of the "10 Basic Emotional Needs" we studied in Unit 5. Therefore they may some repetition, but is worth it if we get a better understanding of how to love our companion.

A. Words of Affirmation

Prov. 18:20-21 NLT Words satisfy the soul as food satisfies the stomach; the right words on a person’s lips bring satisfaction. Those who love to talk will experience the consequences, for the tongue can kill or nourish life.

• One of the definitions of "affirm" (Webster) is: "To express dedication to." Many people need to hear over and over again that their companion is dedicated or committed to them. Let’s look at some ways we can affirm our companion.

1. Complimentary Words

Mark Twain – "I can live for 2 months on a good compliment."

• Verbal compliments or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation such as:

a. "You look sharp in that suit."

b. "Wow! Do you ever look nice in that dress!"

c. "You must be the best cook in the world. I love this dinner."

d. "I really appreciate your taking the garbage out."

• It is amazing what a good compliment will do to the attitude of your companion. It will cause them to do things for you and be nice to you in ways you will appreciate. I am not suggesting being complimentary in order to get something you want. That is not love, it is manipulation. But it is a fact that when we receive affirming words, we are more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.  

2. Encouraging Words

• The word "encourage" means to "inspire courage." All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things we would like to do.

• Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. What holds us back often is courage. A loving spouse can supply that all-important catalyst.

3. Kind Words

• Love is kind. If then we are to communicate our love verbally, we must use kind words. The manner in which we speak is very important

Prov. 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.

• When your spouse is angry and upset and lashing out words of heat, if you choose to be loving, you will not reply in like manner, but with a soft voice. You will receive what he/she is saying as information about his/her emotional feelings. You will seek to put yourself in his shoes and see the event through their eyes and then express softly and kindly your understanding of why they feel that way. If you have wronged them you will be willing to confess the wrong and ask forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender.

4. Humble Words

• Love makes requests, not demands. When I demand things from my spouse, I become the parent and they the child. If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants.

• When we make a request of our spouse, we are affirming his/her worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that she has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you. When, however, you make the demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant. Your spouse will not feel affirmed but belittled. A request introduces the element of choice. Thus a request creates the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates that possibility.

B. Quality Time

• Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. This is not sitting on the couch watching TV together. When you do this ABC or NBC has your attention.

1. Togetherness

• A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity. Two people sitting in the same room are in close proximity, but they are not necessarily together. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. Example: A husband who is watching sports on TV while he talks to his wife is not giving her quality time, because she does not have his full attention.

• Quality time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other’s eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person. The activity in which we are both engaged is incidental and really unimportant.

2. Quality Conversation

• By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

• Quality conversation is quiet different from 1st love language. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing. 

^{3. Quality Activities}

^{• Quality activities may include anything in which one or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing, but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling "He cares about me. He was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude."}

^{C. Receiving Gifts}

^{• A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, " Look, he was thinking of me," gifts are visual symbols of love. These visual symbols of love are more important to some people than to others.}

^{1. Gift of Self}

^{• Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give, if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.}

D. Acts of Service

• By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her. Here are 3 truths we are going to look at briefly.

1. What we do for each before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage. Before marriage the force of the in-love obsession carries us along. After marriage we revert to being the people we were before we "fell in love."

2. Love is a choice. Love can not be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Request give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love. Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love our spouse. If we choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our spouse requests will make our love most effective emotionally.

3. My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me the clearest clue to his/her primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love.

E. Physical Touch

• Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language, without it, they feel unloved.

• Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.

1. Crisis and Physical Touch

• Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. In a time of crisis, more than anything we need to feel loved. We can not always change events, but we can survive if we feel loved.

IV. DISCOVERING YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE

What is your primary love language? What is it that makes you feel most loved by your spouse? You may find out that you have two languages that seem to be equal. If so, you make it easier on your spouse. Now he/she has two choices, either of which will strongly communicate love to you.

Two kinds of people may have difficulty discovering their primary love language. The first is the individual whose emotional "Love Tank" has been full for a long time. Love has been expressed in many ways, and they are not certain which of the ways make them feel most loved. The second is the individual whose "Love Tank’ has been empty so long that they don’t remember what makes them feel loved.

A. Four Ways to Discover You Primary Love Language

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.

EXAMPLE: If, for example, your deepest pain is the critical, judgmental words of your spouse, then perhaps your love language is "Words of Affirmation."

2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most requested is likely the thing that makes you feel most loved.

EXAMPLE: Looking back over the years of your marriage, what is it that you have requested most often? Those requests have probably been interpreted by your spouse as "nagging". Have you continually "nagged" your companion about spending some time with you? Then your primary love language may be "Quality Time". Those "Requests" were in fact, your effort to secure emotional love from your spouse.

3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that would also make you feel loved. Ask yourself, "How do I express my love for my spouse?"

EXAMPLE: If you are constantly doing "Acts Of Service" for your spouse, perhaps that is your love language.

4. Another approach would be to ask yourself, "What would be an ideal spouse to me? If I could have the perfect mate, what would he/she be like?" Your picture of a perfect mate should give some idea of your primary love language.